A further account of the academy. The author proposes some improvements, which are honourably received. 进一步描述科学院；作者提出几项改进的意见被荣幸地采纳了。
In the school of political projectors, I was but ill entertained; the professors appearing, in my judgment, wholly out of their senses, which is a scene that never fails to make me melancholy. These unhappy people were proposing schemes for persuading monarchs to choose favourites upon the score of their wisdom, capacity, and virtue; of teaching ministers to consult the public good; of rewarding merit, great abilities, eminent services; of instructing princes to know their true interest, by placing it on the same foundation with that of their people; of choosing for employments persons qualified to exercise them, with many other wild, impossible chimeras, that never entered before into the heart of man to conceive; and confirmed in me the old observation, "that there is nothing so extravagant and irrational, which some philosophers have not maintained for truth. " 我在政治设计家学院受到了冷落。在我看来，教授们已完全失去了理智，看到这种情景不由得让我感到悲伤。这些闷闷不乐的人正在提出他们的规划，想劝说君主按照个人的智力、才能和德行来选择宠臣；想教大臣们学会考虑公众的利益；想对建立功勋、才能出众、贡献杰出的人给予奖励；想指导君王们把自己真正的利益同人民的利益放在同一基础上加以认识；想选拔有资格能胜任的人到有关岗位工作；还有许许多多其他一些愚蠢的、不能实现的妄想，都是人们以前从来没有想过的。这使我更加相信一句古语：所有夸张不合理的事都被一些哲学家坚持称为真理。
But, however, I shall so far do justice to this part of the academy, as to acknowledge that all of them were not so visionary. There was a most ingenious doctor, who seemed to be perfectly versed in the whole nature and system of government. This illustrious person had very usefully employed his studies, in finding out effectual remedies for all diseases and corruptions to which the several kinds of public administration are subject, by the vices or infirmities of those who govern, as well as by the licentiousness of those who are to obey. For instance: whereas all writers and reasoners have agreed, that there is a strict universal resemblance between the natural and the political body; can there be any thing more evident, than that the health of both must be preserved, and the diseases cured, by the same prescriptions? It is allowed, that senates and great councils are often troubled with redundant, ebullient, and other peccant humours; with many diseases of the head, and more of the heart; with strong convulsions, with grievous contractions of the nerves and sinews in both hands, but especially the right; with spleen, flatus, vertigos, and deliriums; with scrofulous tumours, full of fetid purulent matter; with sour frothy ructations; with canine appetites and crudeness of digestion; besides many others, needless to mention. This doctor therefore proposed, "that upon the meeting of the senate, certain physicians should attend it the three first days of their sitting, and at the close of each day's debate, feel the pulses of every senator; after which, having maturely considered and consulted upon the nature of the several maladies, and the methods of cure, they should on the fourth day return to the senate house, attended by their apothecaries stored with proper medicines; and before the members sat, administer to each of them lenitives, aperitives, abstersives, corrosives, restringents, palliatives, laxatives, cephalalgics, icterics, apophlegmatics, acoustics, as their several cases required; and, according as these medicines should operate, repeat, alter, or omit them, at the next meeting. " 但对于科学院中的这些人我应该至少说句公道话：必须得承认，他们并非完全都是幻想。有一位头脑极其聪明的医生，他似乎对政府的性质和体制完全精通。这位杰出人物非常善于应用自己的学识，给各种公共行政机关很容易犯的一切弊病和腐化堕落行为找到了有效的治疗方法；这些弊病一方面是由于执政者的罪恶或者过失所致，另一方面也因为被统治者无法无天。比如，所有的作家和理论家一致认为——人体和政体严格地说是非常相似的。那还有什么比这点更明显的呢？既然人体和政体都必须保持健康，那么两者的毛病能够用同样的药方治愈。大家都承认，参议员和大枢密院的官员们常常犯说话冗长、性情冲动和其他一些小毛病。他们的思想毛病已经不少，但是心病更多。他们会发生剧烈的痉挛，两手的神经和肌肉会痛苦地收缩，尤其右手；有时还会肝火旺，肚子胀，头晕，说胡话；也会长满是恶臭和脓包的淋巴性结核瘤；会口吐泡沫，带着酸气扑鼻的胃气；吃起东西来胃口会像狗却又消化不良；还有许许多多其他的病症，就不必一一列举了。因此，这位医生建议：每次参议员开会，头三天请几位大夫列席；每天辩论完毕，由大夫们替每位参议员诊脉；之后，经过周密考虑，讨论出各种毛病的性质和治疗方法。然后，医生应该在第四天带着药剂师，准备好各种对症药品赶回参议院。在议员们入席之前，医生根据个人病情的需要，分别让他们服用镇定剂、轻泻剂、去垢剂、腐蚀剂、健脑剂、治标剂、通便剂、头痛剂、黄疽剂、去痰剂、清耳剂，再根据药性及作用决定下次会议时是否再服、换服，还是停服。
This project could not be of any great expense to the public; and might in my poor opinion, be of much use for the despatch of business, in those countries where senates have any share in the legislative power; beget unanimity, shorten debates, open a few mouths which are now closed, and close many more which are now open; curb the petulancy of the young, and correct the positiveness of the old; rouse the stupid, and damp the pert. 这项计划不会对公众造成很大的负担。所以我认为在那些参议员参与立法的国家里，这对提高办事效率会有很大用处：可以带来团结，缩短辩论的时间；可以让少数缄默的人说话，让许多一直在说话的人闭嘴；可以遏制青年人的暴躁性急，可以改正老年人的执拗；可以让糊涂的人清醒，可以让冒失鬼谨慎。
Again, because it is a general complaint, that the favourites of princes are troubled with short and weak memories; the same doctor proposed, "that whoever attended a First Minister, after having told his business, with the utmost brevity and in the plainest words, should, at his departure, give the said minister a tweak by the nose, or a kick in the belly, or tread on his corns, or lug him thrice by both ears, or run a pin into his breech, or pinch his arm black and blue, to prevent forgetfulness; and at every levee day, repeat the same operation, till the business were done, or absolutely refused." 还有，因为大家都埋怨君王的宠臣记性很差，那位医生就建议，任何人谒见首相大臣，简单明了地报告完公事以后，辞退时应该拧一下这位大臣的鼻子，或者踢一下他的肚子，或者踩一下他脚上的鸡眼，或者扯三下他的耳朵，或者弄根大头针在他屁股上扎一下，要不就把他的手臂拧得青一块紫一块——全是为了使他不至于忘记。以后每个上朝的日子都这么来一下，一直等到把事情办好，或者坚决拒绝办理时才停止。
He likewise directed, "that every senator in the great council of a nation, after he had delivered his opinion, and argued in the defence of it, should be obliged to give his vote directly contrary; because if that were done, the result would infallibly terminate in the good of the public. " 他还指出，每一位出席大国民议会的参议员，在发表完自己的意见并为之辩护之后，表决时必须投与自己意见完全相反的票，因为如果那样做了，结果肯定对公众有利。
When parties in a state are violent, he offered a wonderful contrivance to reconcile them. The method is this: You take a hundred leaders of each party; you dispose them into couples of such whose heads are nearest of a size; then let two nice operators saw off the occiput of each couple at the same time, in such a manner that the brain may be equally divided. Let the occiputs, thus cut off, be interchanged, applying each to the head of his opposite party-man. It seems indeed to be a work that requires some exactness, but the professor assured us, "that if it were dexterously performed, the cure would be infallible. " For he argued thus: "that the two half brains being left to debate the matter between themselves within the space of one skull, would soon come to a good understanding, and produce that moderation, as well as regularity of thinking, so much to be wished for in the heads of those, who imagine they come into the world only to watch and govern its motion;" and as to the difference of brains, in quantity or quality, among those who are directors in faction, the doctor assured us, from his own knowledge, that "it was a perfect trifle. " 如果一个国家里党派纷争激烈，他又提出了一条可以让彼此和解的奇妙办法。办法是这样的：从每个党派中各挑出一百名领导人物，把头颅差不多大小的，两党各一人，配对成双；接着请两位技术精良的外科手术师同时将每一对头面人物的枕骨部分锯下，锯时要注意脑子必须左右分匀。把锯下的枕骨部分互相交换一下，分别安装到反对党人的头上。这项手术一定要求精确，不过教授向我们保证，只要手术做得灵巧熟练，疗效是绝对可靠的。他这样论证说：现在，两个半个脑袋放到一人脑壳里去辩论事情，很快就会达成一致意见的，这样彼此就会心平气和、理性地思考。多么希望那些自以为到世上来就是为了看管世界同时又要支配世界运动的人，都这样做啊！至于两派领袖人物的脑袋在数量和质量上的不同，那医生很肯定地对我们说，就他个人所知，那实在是无足轻重的。
I heard a very warm debate between two professors, about the most commodious and effectual ways and means of raising money, without grieving the subject. The first affirmed, "the justest method would be, to lay a certain tax upon vices and folly; and the sum fixed upon every man to be rated, after the fairest manner, by a jury of his neighbours. " The second was of an opinion directly contrary: "to tax those qualities of body and mind, for which men chiefly value themselves; the rate to be more or less, according to the degrees of excelling; the decision whereof should be left entirely to their own breast. " The highest tax was upon men who are the greatest favourites of the other sex, and the assessments, according to the number and nature of the favours they have received; for which, they are allowed to be their own vouchers. Wit, valour, and politeness, were likewise proposed to be largely taxed, and collected in the same manner, by every person's giving his own word for the quantum of what he possessed. But as to honour, justice, wisdom, and learning, they should not be taxed at all; because they are qualifications of so singular a kind, that no man will either allow them in his neighbour or value them in himself. 我听到两位教授之间一场热烈的辩论，他们在争论最方便有效而又不使百姓受苦的筹款方法。第一位坚称最公正的办法是——对罪恶和丑行征收一定税款，每个人应缴税额由其邻居组成陪审团进行最公正合理地裁定。另一位却持完全相反的意见——对那些自夸在体力和智力上有才能、自以为是的人征税，征多少税要根据其才能出众的程度而定；不过这得完全由他自己来拿主意。向最受异性宠爱的男子征收最高的税。税额多少也应该根据其人数和受到宠爱的性质而定，这一点上允许他们自己为自己作证。他还建议对聪明、勇敢和礼貌征收重税，收税方法相同。每人自己说他有聪明、勇敢和礼貌，据此征税。荣誉、正义、智慧和学问则无需征税，因为这类素质太少见了，没有人会承认他周围的人具有这些素质，自己有也并不重视。
The women were proposed to be taxed according to their beauty and skill in dressing, wherein they had the same privilege with the men, to be determined by their own judgment. But constancy, chastity, good sense, and good nature, were not rated, because they would not bear the charge of collecting. 他主张妇女应根据其漂亮程度和打扮本领来纳税，这方面她们可享有与男子同样的特权，即由她们自己判断决定。但是对忠贞、节操、良好的辨别能力和温良的品性不征税，因为她们根本就缴不起。
To keep senators in the interest of the crown, it was proposed that the members should raffle for employment; every man first taking an oath, and giving security, that he would vote for the court, whether he won or not; after which, the losers had, in their turn, the liberty of raffling upon the next vacancy. Thus, hope and expectation would be kept alive; none would complain of broken promises, but impute their disappointments wholly to fortune, whose shoulders are broader and stronger than those of a ministry. 为了使参议员一直能为王室的利益服务，他建议议员们以抽签的方式获得职位。每个人首先都得宣誓，保证不论抽不抽中都一定投标拥护朝廷；这样，等下次有官位空缺时，没有中签的人还能轮到再抽一次。这样他们还有希望和期待，也就没有人会埋怨朝廷没有践守诺言，也只好把自己的失败归咎于自己的命运，而命运的肩膀要比内阁的肩膀要来得宽阔结实，是经得起重担的。
Another professor showed me a large paper of instructions for discovering plots and conspiracies against the government. He advised great statesmen to examine into the diet of all suspected persons; their times of eating; upon which side they lay in bed; with which hand they wipe their posteriors; take a strict view of their excrements, and, from the colour, the odour, the taste, the consistence, the crudeness or maturity of digestion, form a judgment of their thoughts and designs; because men are never so serious, thoughtful, and intent, as when they are at stool, which he found by frequent experiment; for, in such conjunctures, when he used, merely as a trial, to consider which was the best way of murdering the king, his ordure would have a tincture of green; but quite different when he thought only of raising an insurrection, or burning the metropolis. 另一位教授拿了一大本关于如何侦破反政府阴谋诡计的文件给我看。他建议大政治家们要对国会中一切可疑人物进行检查——他们吃饭的时间，睡觉时朝哪边躺着，擦屁股用的是哪一只手；检查他们的粪便，从粪便的颜色、气味、味道、浓度以及消化的程度，来判断他们的思想和计划。因为人没有比在上厕所时思考更严肃、周密和专心致志的了，这是他经过无数次实验才发现的。在这种时候，如果他用来考虑怎样才是暗杀国王最好的办法，粪便就会呈绿色；但如果他盘算的只是搞一次叛乱或者焚烧首都，粪便的颜色就大不一样了。
The whole discourse was written with great acuteness, containing many observations, both curious and useful for politicians; but, as I conceived, not altogether complete. This I ventured to tell the author, and offered, if he pleased, to supply him with some additions. He received my proposition with more compliance than is usual among writers, especially those of the projecting species, professing "he would be glad to receive further information. " 这篇论文写得十分犀利，其中许多见解对政客来说是既稀奇又有用，不过我觉得整体上还不够完善。这一点我斗胆对作者说了，并且提出要是他愿意，我可以再提供点儿补充意见。他比普通作家，尤其那些在设计家之流的作家，更情愿接受我的建议；他表示很愿意听听我还有什么意见。
I told him, "that in the kingdom of Tribnia, by the natives called Langdon, where I had sojourned some time in my travels, the bulk of the people consist in a manner wholly of discoverers, witnesses, informers, accusers, prosecutors, evidences, swearers, together with their several subservient and subaltern instruments, all under the colours, the conduct, and the pay of ministers of state, and their deputies. The plots, in that kingdom, are usually the workmanship of those persons who desire to raise their own characters of profound politicians; to restore new vigour to a crazy administration; to stifle or divert general discontents; to fill their coffers with forfeitures; and raise, or sink the opinion of public credit, as either shall best answer their private advantage. It is first agreed and settled among them, what suspected persons shall be accused of a plot; then, effectual care is taken to secure all their letters and papers, and put the owners in chains. These papers are delivered to a set of artists, very dexterous in finding out the mysterious meanings of words, syllables, and letters; for instance, they can discover a close stool, to signify a privy council; a flock of geese, a senate; a lame dog, an invader; the plague, a standing army; a buzzard, a prime minister; the gout, a high priest; a gibbet, a secretary of state; a chamber pot, a committee of grandees; a sieve, a court lady; a broom, a revolution; a mouse-trap, an employment; a bottomless pit, a treasury; a sink, a court; a cap and bells, a favourite; a broken reed, a court of justice; an empty tun, a general; a running sore, the administration. 我告诉他自己曾在特列不尼亚王国逗留了一段时间。当地人管这个国家叫朗顿。那里的人大部分全是由侦探、见证人、告密者、指控人、检举人、证人、咒骂者以及他们的一些爪牙和副官组成的，全都受正副大臣们的庇护、指使和供养。在那个王国里，阴谋通常都是那些企图抬高自己大政治家身份的人的作为。他们企图使一个疯狂的政府恢复元气，企图镇压或者转移群众的不满情绪，企图把没收来的财物填进自己的腰包，企图左右公众舆论以尽量满足一己私利。他们先取得一致意见，定好应控告哪些可疑分子图谋不轨，接着采取有效手段查找这些人的书信和文件，然后把他们囚禁起来。文件则交给一伙能巧妙地从短语、单词以及单字中找出神秘意义的能手去处理。比如说，他们会破译出“有盖马桶”是指“枢密院”；“一群鹅”指“参议院”；“瘸腿狗”指“侵略者”；“瘟疫”指“常备军”；“秃鹰”指“大臣”；“痛风”指“祭司长”；“绞刑架” 指“国务大臣”；“夜壶”指“贵族委员会”；“筛子”指“宫廷贵妇”；“扫帚” 指“革命”；“捕鼠器”指“官职”；“无底洞”指“财政部”；“水槽”指“朝廷”；“挂有铃铛的小丑帽”指“宠臣”；“折断的芦苇”指“法庭”；“空酒桶”指“将军”；“流脓的疮”指“行政当局”。
"When this method fails, they have two others more effectual, which the learned among them call acrostics and anagrams. First, they can decipher all initial letters into political meanings. Thus N, shall signify a plot; B, a regiment of horse; L, a fleet at sea; or, secondly, by transposing the letters of the alphabet in any suspected paper, they can lay open the deepest designs of a discontented party. So, for example, if I should say, in a letter to a friend, 'Our brother Tom has just got the piles,' a skilful decipherer would discover, that the same letters which compose that sentence, may be analysed into the following words, 'Resist—a plot is brought home—The tour.' And this is the anagrammatic method." 假如这种办法行不通，他们还有另外两种更为有效的办法，当地的学者称它们为“离合字谜法”和“颠倒字谜法”。用第一种办法是，他们能解释出所有词语的单个字的政治含义。这样，阴就是指“阴谋”，骑指“一旅骑兵团”，舰指“海上舰队”。 要不他们就采用第二种办法，把可疑文件上的词语变换次序，就能发现对当局不满的政党的阴谋诡计。例如说，如果我在一封致友人的书信中说，“我们的汤姆兄弟最近得了痔疮。”一个本领高超的解译家对这句话中所有词语加以分析，就会得出下面这样的话：“反抗吧！阴谋已经成熟。这次旅行。”这就是“颠倒字谜法”。
The professor made me great acknowledgments for communicating these observations, and promised to make honourable mention of me in his treatise. 教授非常感谢我给他提出了这些意见，满口答应要在他的论文中提及我的名字以表敬意。
I saw nothing in this country that could invite me to a longer continuance, and began to think of returning home to England. 我看这个国家再没有什么东西值得留恋的，就不想再住下去了，于是动了返回英国老家去的念头。